we'll be the first to admit it. we here at theorem have shitty taste in music. gone are any illusions that we might have held about being a 'music snob' or impressing our friends by knowing the latest and greatest power pop two piece fronted by a wiry geek with an ironic beard.
so by 'essential' we mean 'you should like this because it is the anti-cool.' cool is dead.
Essential Album 1
Best Album By a Devil Worshiping Elvis Impersonator
Danzig - Danzig II: Lucifuge (1990)
this album always scared us a little bit, and not just because of danzig's monster nipples being the central focus of the album cover. the cd booklet opened into an upside-down cross (we're not kidding), and at the center was a quote from the bible: "You are the children of the devil, and the works of your father you shall do." for danzig, the work of the devil is making swampy blues-metal records all the while crooning like elvis and pumping his fists dramatically. he's so evil in fact, that by the third song he's declared himself a paederast werewolf. yeah, it's not for kids.
standout tracks: "long way back from hell," "her black wings," "snakes of christ"
skip: "i'm the one"
Essential Album 2
Best Album to Listen to While *AHEM* Doin' It
Portishead - Dummy (1994)
you should own this record. we don't really know what you call portishead's style...downbeat maybe? what we do know is this album is sexy, and we read madonna's 'sex' book cover to cover, so we know what sexy is. portishead is one of those artists that you can name-drop and instantly sound like you have better taste in music than you actually do. it's been working for us for years.
standout tracks: "roads," "wandering star," "it could be sweet"
skip: don't skip anything. you won't want to get out of bed to change the song.
Essential Album 3
Best Album by a Band That We Used to Love and Now Fucking Hate
Metallica - Master of Puppets (1986)
widely lauded as 'the greatest heavy metal record ever recorded,' master of puppets came into our lives back when we were acne-faced, rage filled teens, and fuck it, we still love this damn album. we've listened to it literally thousands of times. some of us started ineptly noodling on pawn shop guitars because we wanted to be just like the Het. it's complex, it's beautiful, it's brutal, it is filled with nuance and social commentary, and every time we listen to it we hear something new. now that's been said, fuck metallica. we hope they die in a fire. kirk hammett has hair plugs. you thought nobody noticed, didn't ya kirk?
standout tracks: "master of puppets," "welcome home (sanitarium)," "Disposable Heroes," "Orion"
skip: it isn't an album, it's an experience.
Essential Album 4
Best Album by an Artist About Whom We Had Elaborate Death Fantasies Circa 1998
Justin Timberlake - "Futuresex/Lovesounds" (2006)
yeah, we know. it's justin timberlake. who knew he was actually talented? of course having timbaland as your producer couldn't hurt. that guy could lay a BOOM BA-BOOM BOOM *CHICK* drum beat over the sounds of cats fucking and that shit would go triple platinum.we're talking to YOU, one republic. another reason jt is cool is because he nailed britney before everyone else in the country did. if you haven't nailed her yet, you might want to get in line before carrot top does. yikes.
standout tracks: "my love," "lovestoned," "what goes around..."
skip: "sexyback"
Essential Album 5
Best Album to Alienate People in Your Car With
Three 6 Mafia - Most Known Hits (2005)
don't feel like you're cheating yourself by picking up this triple six compilation record...if you own one three 6 mafia record, you own them all, and this is the one you want. we feel compelled to mention that these guys won AN OSCAR for their song 'it's hard out here for a pimp' from the 'hustle and flow' soundtrack. now we're giving oscars juicy j, who wrote the lyric slob on my knob/like corn on the cob/check in wit me/and do ya job/lay on the bed/and gimmie head/don't have to ask/don't have to beg. needless to say, you should probably only play this record for people that you don't like to talk to, because they'll think you're a sick pervert for liking it. and they'd be right.
standout tracks: "testin' my gangsta," "ass and titties," "sippin on some syrup"
skip: "slob on my knob" (only if anyone you ever plan on having sex with is within earshot.)
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